“Loves seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.”
- Mark Twain

“A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.”
- Frank Sinatra, from ‘The Joker Is Wild’.

Marriage. It all seems a bit alien to me. I don’t know why, but I just don’t see the appeal of marriage. Never have. I don’t even know where the idea came from! Having just one partner for the rest of my life? And I’m not allowed to split up with her, or see another girl, ever? Who came up with that one!? No, I’m more inclined to believe Sinatra than Twain on this one. Two famous names, two opposite opinions. But who’s right?

As it turns out, ol’ blue eyes and myself are wrong on this one. Some pesky researchers decided to compare marital status with happiness, and found that married people, on average, score significantly higher than people who are single (1). They also found that cohabiters, on average, are happier than singles. And lower on the happiness scale than singles, are people who had once been married but no longer are – for whatever reason.

There’s a lot of debate over why this is. One side of the argument is that marriage causes happiness – you get married, you get happier. This makes sense; marriage is a convenient way to meet many of our needs and wants in one shot: companionship, sex, children, financial stability, and so on. Not to mention love, the reason people are supposed to get married in the first place.

Then there’s the other side of the argument; happier people are more likely to get and stay married. If you’re temperamentally happy, you’re more likely to attract a partner, less likely to argue, and generally just an easier person to get along with. So maybe marriage doesn’t create happy people, but happy people create marriages? This makes sense too.

What’s the answer? Well it’s basically a little of both. Not only are happy people more likely to get married, but also married people become happier. In studies where people’s happiness has been tracked over time, there were noticeable increases after the tying of the knot.(2)

What’s interesting, is that after that initial spike, there’s a gradual decline. Marriage gives a boost in happiness, which slowly starts to fall, reaching its lowest point when the kids reach the teen years. Once the kids have flown the coup, happiness returns to its pre-marriage level.

Presumably, this period where happiness declines is where the advice about ‘making marriage work’ comes into play. They say, you’re not supposed to take from a marriage, but to put into it. They say it takes work, and compromise, after the honeymoon period has worn off.

Apparently people have recently been listening to this advice. In the UK, 2007 divorce rates were the lowest for 26 years; although some analysts suggest the reason for this is not romance, but the higher cost of divorce and settlement. Call me cynical if you like, but that explanation makes more sense to me!

Recommended Reading:

• The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want

References

(1) Haring-Hidore, M., Stock, W., Okun, M. A. and Witter, R. A. (1985). Marital status and subjective well-being: A research synthesis. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 47, 947-53.
(2) Lucas, R.E., Clark, A.E., Georgellis, Y, Diener, E. (2003).Reexamining Adaptation and the Set Point Model of Happiness: Reactions to Changes in Marital Status. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 84(3), 527–539

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 1st, 2009 at 11:58 pm and is filed under Happiness and Well-Being, Love and Relationships.